Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Why the Josh and Lewis Blog

When did the Josh and Lewis Blog First become a thought?

Read this exchange.



From: josh.********@********.org
Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2007 10:20 AM
Subject: Petty behavior, Zero productivity, All in a day's work

That's what my coffee mug says (see subject). My parents got me "the office" coffee mug. Lovin it.

The farts are flowing like wine here, with one minor exception. They don't smell nearly as good as wine, although I suppose both consistencies could, in fact, be described as "rich." Another exception exists, and that is, if you could somehow condense my farts into a liquid, their taste would be absolutely horiffic, leaving a rancid, phosphoric taste on your pallette. I imagine if anyone could formulate a wine like this, it could pave the way for an entirely new market of wine, paralleling that of Harry Potter Jelly-Bellies. You know, those infamous jelly beans that are notorious for putrid tastes, like vomit, worms, rotten eggs, and poop.


Anyways, I'm getting ahead of myself here. The point is, I'm literally suffocating myself in this cube. Everytime an air biscuit sets sail from my rump, through the meshlike material of my chair, it stealthily spreads across the floor, much like the effect from dry ice. After a few seconds, it rises like a mushroom cloud, staining the walls of my cube, and poisoning my lungs and the lungs of any poor, helpless soul who happens to wander into my cube haphazardly. Do I feel bad that my farts spread like a pollutant to the innocent nasal passages of fellow coworkers?

No.

What it comes down to is an ancient proverb my father used to tell me growing up. After all, he is a doctor, so he should know about the pathological dangers of holding in beefcakes, right? It goes like this:

"It's better to let it out and bear the shame, than hold it in and bear the pain."

Never were words more true.

By the way, Paul and Lewis, I wrote a simple, short, slightly dissonanced melody last night, and it is unreal. I'm not kidding. It's only a short bar, but I think it sounds sweeeet. I hear it on a
fluid-like, slightly delayed guitar, with tasty bass fragments in it.


Working harder than an ATPase pump trying to produce a gradient across a plasma membrane,

Josh


From: paul*******@********.com (Contributor to The Josh & Lewis Blog)
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2007 10:35 AM
Subject: Re: Petty behavior, Zero productivity, All in a day's work


Josh,

Nice work on getting the office mug. I'm proud of you.

As for your father's proverb? I agree... I don't even think anymore about holding my farts in. Yesterday I had to poop worse than a morning after drinking premo... but alas, there was someone in one of the stalls, and I can't poop next to people here at work... it's just too weird... so I'm walking back to my desk, and trying to release a silent blast as I'm walking past ****’s cube (random work Chic)... much to my dismay, the fart was LOUD, I mean, like clearly a loud fart sound...

I just kept walking as if nothing had happened... I KNOW she heard me... and I don't care.

I'll bear the shame any day.


By the way, looking forward to hearing the "unreal slightly dissonant melody"

Much love my homies...


Paul


From: lewis.********@********.org
Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2007 10:55 AM
Subject: Re: Petty behavior, Zero productivity, All in a day's work

I think I disagree with your fathers proverb. I would rather bear the pain than bear the shame. Assuming the farts would be done in some professional or public place, where I engage with people other than, say you two. Maybe that makes me insecure, or shallow; perhaps I'm unwilling to accept the unchangeable truths about human metabolism. But I'd rather bear the pain. . .
Josh, I think about 23 or the last 25 emails I've received from you have focus primarily on your toxic emissions and how you work in a self-made, tack-board gas chamber. Maybe you should think about amending your diet. Seriously, I mean all that farting can't be good for your colon; you could get colon cancer. I know you love farting, but you'll be farting out a tube sticking out of your stomach when that have to sew up your ass from colon cancer. And it won't make that oh-so-familiar sphincter-rippling sound. Although maybe you could put a tea-pot lid on it so it whistled when you really ripped on. It could serve as a warning to those around you.

Are ***** and ** coming to dinner too?

I've been writing some little things mostly on the keyboard, but I've forgotten them all.


Serving at the pleasure of the president,


Lewis


From: josh.********@********.org
Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2007 11:29 AM
Subject: Thoughts...

If I had to sew my a** up from colon cancer and fart out of a tube in my stomach, I would at least attach some sort of instrument. . . probably a kazoo. I don't think I could generate enough force to create ditties on a harmonica.

I have a couple retorts to your statement Lewis.

First,
We all know that cultural influences have led has to believe that farting is inappropriate and wrong, especially in public. I have recently been learning to detach myself from this obscure belief, mostly because farting is as much a bodily function as sneezing and coughing. You know when you're on a date for the first time, or you're hanging out with a new group of people that you're still not entirely comfortable with, or perhaps you're in a confined public place. . .and you'd never even think of letting one rip? Well it's precisely this function that lets the other party know that you're not constructing a superficial social tier that inevitably creates the awkwardness and tension that so many people experience. Pinching a loaf is just one way of cutting through that tension and letting everyone know that you are comfortable with their presence, and you really could care less about social norms. True, it may be awkward for the brief moment that everyone catches an audio of a ripple, sizzle, or seeper. And it may be slightly awkward when everybody catches some sulfuric whiff from the methanotrophs that are hard at work in your colon. But when all of the devastation subsides, you'll notice how everybody becomes much more comfortable. There's an aura of "Hey, this guy just farted. I can fart too. Or maybe we can sit and shoot s***."
The only time I could see why it would be inappropriate to fart is the subsequent violence that invades everyone’s olfactory bulbs. We've all been perpetrators of farting in a tightly sealed car or elevator, and everyone else must fend for themselves to survive the wrath of your anal demons.

Second,
I'm not sure whether your comment about farts causing colon cancer is true. I think it may pertain more to diet, like you were saying earlier, but I always thought my diet was pretty decent. I make it a point to have fruits, veggies, dairy, grains, and meat for lunch everyday. I like having that variety as well. But perhaps I should engage in a colon cleanse. We should all schedule a synchronized colon cleanse, and write about it on our website or myspace page. I've never cleansed my colon, and methinks it could be a wave of relief.

Third,
I'm sorry that 23 of my last 25 emails have referenced bodily emissions, but they fascinate me, and quite honestly I like to keep conversation going. If you would like to change the subject, I would invite you to start sending out periodic emails and enlighten me with your inspirations.

Fourth,
If you write piano ditties, you should just record pieces on your phone. The phone recorder is create cause you always have it, and it helps you briefly reclaim what may have been lost to the atmosphere.

Fifth,
Both Lewis and Paul, let's work on my idea on Saturday for an hour. Do you both have time?

Sixth,
Dinner at Mr. and Mrs. *****'s. With our buddies. Nice.

Seventh,
****** is probably coming up here next week. Good grief. What do I do?


Saluting those who do what they do and do it well,


Jack Prescott


From: lewis.********@********.org
Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2007 1:37 PM
Subject: Re: thoughts...

On the topic of social norms I agree with you Josh. If I knew a fart was going to be melodic but not pungent I'd be more comfortable with introducing myself to people with homemade methane muffins. But there is simply no situation in which forcing other people to smell your poop is good for society. I think it does more to damage the individual relationship than it does to enhance societal norms.

With regards to cancer--let's extrapolate your situation a little. If your flatulence continues to increase to the point where it is causing stress to the cells of your colon, that stressed environment can increase your chance of colon cancer. Did you know that engaging in anal sex has been shown to increase your chance of developing colon cancer? Maybe you should poke yourself a little with some phallic objects just so you know what it feels like. Then when your farts start to feel like that too, you'd know you have to hold them in for a few days and give your colon cells some R & R.

I heard Janet Jackson takes coffee enemas.

Josh, I enjoy your emails regardless of how many of them are about you farting at work. That number has just peaked my concern about your well-being. If I start having daily revelations the way you do, I'll definitely write you guys. Maybe I'll start doing shrooms to help start me off.

I think sat. works for me.

Who is ******? Is this the girl with the closeness disorder?

*methanotrophs--eat methane
methanogens--produce methane (in your rumen)


praising parsley,


Aphid McGee


From: josh.********@********.org
Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2007 1:54 PM
Subject: RE: thoughts...


to address the end of your email first,

sorry about the methantroph comment. i forgot i was typing to a microbial engineer. and for some reason it also slipped my mind that troph is a lating derivationg referring to the act of consuming. gen- refers to creating. . ..much like genesis in the Bible. and as far as the rumen goes, you are also correct. good job. i am an idiot. maybe because i'm dealing with intrathecal and epidural cavities so much now, i forget the exact anatomy of our hershey highways. by the way lewis, how is hershey highway? she invited me to a concert via facebook. i figured i could show up with a huge bottle of jagermeister and be a "bad influence."


yes, ****** is the one with the closeness disorder. i'm not sure how her traveling the **** miles to be within my immediate proximity will fare, given the status of her disorder. theroetically, it always made sense that we were separated by **** miles because it alleviated the "closeness" of her "closeness disorder.."

when you say Aphid McGee, is he an actual character, or are you hypothetically coining a name to an aphid, which is a soft bodied insect, sometimes wingless, that sucks the plant juices from, say, a parsley snippet? i'm sure that aphids do praise the nourishing aspect of parsley, and i imagine that, if such a character as Aphid McGee does exist, he would be the leader of this movement.

i've never had an enema, so i don't know what they are like, much less a coffee enema. maybe janet jackson is on to something. has anyone noticed how a disturbingly large proportion of the U.S. male population thinks janet jackson is hot, when in fact, her face is strikingly similar to that of her pedophiliac, warm-milk sipping, neverland ranch creator, broccoli-nosed brother, Michael? Correct me if I'm wrong, but i imagine waking up to that face every morning would be a frightening experience, especially if she were wearing silver-tinted aviation sunglasses.

as far as your experiment with anal objects and flatulence, i think you may be on to something. maybe U of * grad school project?


Pondering the bane of my existence,


Paperweight


From: paul*******@********.com (Contributor to The Josh & Lewis Blog)
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2007 1:55 AM
Subject: RE: Thoughts…


Laughing…


From: lewis.********@********.org
Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2007 2:28 PM
Subject: RE: thoughts...

Aphid McGee was just the series of syllables that popped into my head after writing praising parsley. It seems like you've milked a whole children's book out of it though. Josh I think you'd be good at writing children's books. Most of the Children's books that you look at now, as an adult, have some pretty weird and creepy undertones. And you're pretty good with weird and creepy undertones!

Yes Janet Jackson does look like Michael and yes it is very disturbing. I remember this music video they did together where they're both in the white futuro-suits and they're bouncing around a room that you see through a fish-eye lens. Some times you can't tell who's who. I don't know how that little fact hasn't yet completely destroyed Janet's sex appeal.


compelling you to eat without end,


Prader Willi Syndrome


From: paul*******@********.com (Contributor to The Josh & Lewis Blog)
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2007 2:31 PM
Subject: RE: Thoughts…

Josh, I agree that if you were a children's author, it'd be weird and creepy, although I think it might work… also, I think you could write young adult lit as well… constructing weird, interesting stories with weird characters that people relate to, but never thought they would. I like it

OR…

You could just follow my advice and write blogs for the masses that people would actually be interested in reading in. If you updated them a few times a day, you'd get thousands and thousands of hits. I'm telling you, this would work…


Lewis, back me up here…



From: lewis.********@********.org
Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2007 2:43 PM
Subject: Re: thoughts...

Nah, I'm glad someone's laughing at it. Some of the stuff she does. . .I thought people only did that in soap operas. . .so it sucks, but lesson learned.

Josh I would definitely like to see you maintain a blog. Just to see other people react to the stuff you come up with. Maybe there's other out there like you and you could become like a beacon gathering them all under your wing and creating the raunchiest farting fishbowl ever known to man.

Put your brain in the public arena.


Going straight through like corn in the poo,


Leslie Hammerwhacker


From: josh.********@********.org
Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2007 2:59 PM
Subject: RE: thoughts...

Lewis, you are just as apt as i in creating bizarre twisted ideas to write about. quite frankly, some of your material even astonishes me, and that's difficult to do. it is still refreshing to read however, because it's so obscure in comparison to the ideas generated in my brain. . .sometimes i have to wonder where you pull some of this material from.

are you still worked up about hershey? if she's anatomically older than you, why is she behaving like a high-schooler. here's what you should do. mail her a lollipop. a big rainbow, swirly lollipop. see what she says. and i might still take you up on a jag-influenced concert. i'll periodically yell things like "please don't contact me again." what did you do to make her so mad? i mean, i know that chick has issues, but you must have really messed with her mind to get her to the point where she wants to publicly shun you over facebook. you better make sure she hasn't created any anti-lewis groups on there. maybe i could resort to my college freshman days and poop in a box, only to have it delivered to her doorstep.


Filling in the gaps,


Pseudomeningocele


From: lewis.********@********.org
Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2007 3:31 PM
Subject: Re: thoughts...

I think the biggest difference between your crazy ideas and mine is that I have a hard time just coming up with them as free-standing essays of cogent mental oozing. I can usually spiral into something vaguely interesting as an offshoot but you. . .i just open up my mailbox and there's a 500 word email about God only knows. I just don't know if I could stay on topic that long.

So you start a blog, and I'll contribute to the comments ceaselessly and if my comments get so massive that they need a competing blog then so be it.

Oy, there's some interesting sights along the perilous road that is my relationship with ****, in not all of which am I at my most brilliant. If you want to hear about that trainwreck ask me sometime when I'm not speaking through my fingers.

I just laughed out loud in the computer lab thinking of you yelling 'please don't contact me anymore' at her Masters recital.

Whoever came up with the witches in wizard of oz melting from water clearly had very meager understanding of biochemistry.


Lewis




And that is why the Josh and Lewis Blog Exists.

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